For most of my life I wanted to be female. Now it’s time for the world to know. I apologise to those close to me who learn this from such a public forum.
Please read this to the end as the full story is important.
In primary school I wanted to wear nail polish like the other girls. I was never a “real” boy as I was always gentle and preferred female company and activities. In intermediate I was the lead female in our school musical. I enjoyed the attention this brought – particularly from the girls. Around adolescence I would sneak my mum’s old pantihose to wear. This gave me such an empowering thrill. In later teenage years girls enjoyed dressing up guys with the typical nail polish, hair and makeup stuff. I enjoyed this and even asked to be dressed up. When I married I had privacy and easier access to such things. I think lots of guys experiment but move on. I liked it and wanted more. After some years I revealed my desire to be a woman to my wife and asked if I could dress up completely. She reluctantly obliged but refused to help. I couldn’t wait to get home and shave my legs and put on beautiful clothes and makeup. I kept this well hidden for years. My wife pointed out how I didn’t look right so I studied how to cover up my masculinity. I would often wear tights under my pants and a few times also wore some pretty underwear to work. I couldn’t wait to get home and replace those pants with a cute skirt. I had a quick cover up all organized. I wanted a sex change and considered doing the job myself.
This is where the world would pick up and tell me to come out and embrace my true self. Have that operation and become the true you. But this conflicted with my relationship with God. I hadn’t done anything in clear contradiction to Biblical law, but felt insecure regarding the afterlife. I would counter Deuteronomy 22:5’s prohibition of wearing the other gender’s clothes with Joshua’s spies disguising themselves as women. Even in church most women wear pants. I always served in church and had relationship with God but my spiritual growth was pretty much on hold. God had been telling me for decades to confess and get accountability but I was too ashamed and enjoyed this self-satisfaction.
Trans people recount how they always identified with the other sex. I would purposely forget that as a boy I enjoyed playing “silly buggers” with my friends and I resolved “problems” physically rather than emotionally. My favourite game was catch and kiss. I resisted femininity as any typical boy. While watching a video about voice feminization the presenter remarked about stumbling across her misplaced wrench.
My psychoanalysis sees only a few insignificant contributing factors: As a child I was often teased “you’re a girl”. I also had a minor sexual encounter at a young age involving caressing of genitals. Many people are unaffected by much more significant factors. What I omitted above as I painted the picture of a typical transexual is that my dressing up was always sexually arousing and later led to masturbation. Dressing up had become a form of pornography, “but I wasn’t doing anything wrong – it’s not like I was looking at other women or desiring men!”. This still really hurt my wife, giving her the feeling that she’s not good enough. If I embraced my “true gender” this would have led to the destruction of my family and my physical mutilation.
I opened up to a pastor, who referred me to a christian counsellor. As I brought my wife along to hold my hand, the problem was tackled with marriage counselling. This provided some generally useful tools but we later met alone to work through my personal problem. While he asked me how I reconcile my desires with my spirituality, I felt he would have signed off for gender reassignment. I wonder if this was all a waste of money, but I trust that God brings purpose into all situations. I reverted deeper into my desires. I later reached out to a couple of christian friends, finally obeying what God had been showing me for 20 years and confessed my problem. I asked them to pray with and for me and to hold me accountable. I didn’t trust opening up to one guy alone as I feared tempting them into my perversion. This step of obedience to God immediately and miraculously released me from decades of bondage.
Over the past year I’ve finally been able to grow again spiritually. God has been showing me so much to catch up on the wasted years. I think this experience has been necessary to remove my pride in my own holiness and empathise with people such as LGBTs. This also allowed me to experience the goodness of God and his power to release us from the bondage that sin has over us.
Luke 8:17 For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.
God has miraculously freed me from transexuality. When Satan seeks to tempt me I find strength in answering “I never again want to lose my freedom and intimacy with God.”
You may have issues in your life, for which God has already given you the key to freedom. You cannot use any other key to open the lock that imprisons you.