I want to encourage you in your current situation. I don’t know what’s going on, but I know that God’s in this. He’s using this to shape you for the future. It’s important to learn to go through tough times with God at our side. I believe God’s allowed this to happen at a time when you’re ready to deal with this; and are surrounded by people who can help you through it. Please forgive me if anything I say seems presumptuous. I pray that it will still be valuable.
I’ve never brought up the topic of you living together although not married, because I believe the Holy Spirit will guide you through this at the right timing for you. Although your situation is not ideal, it’s how you were when you came to know God. It’s like someone who drinks excessively or smokes. Often people can only change one thing at a time, and it takes time.
From a legal perspective, it’s important to understand scriptures around this. Not knowing the details, I hope I can speak generically without you feeling I’m confronting your specific case.
Under Moses’ law, most sexual sins are punishable by death: adultery, incest, homosexuality, and bestiality. However
Exodus 22:16 “Whenever a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged to anyone and has sexual intercourse with her, he must pay the bride-price and marry her. 17If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he must pay an amount of money equal to the bride-price for virgins.
In our society, women aren’t entirely innocent either. Usually, it’s a mutual seduction ;-). It’s instinctive to procreate and to practice ;-).
What’s important here is that where capital punishment applies to sexual immorality, it doesn’t apply to a guy and a girl hitching up. Although this is unideal, it’s made right by getting married, and that’s that.
On the other hand, the Bible supports divorce. Jesus explains it best:
Matthew 19:3 Some Pharisees came to test him. They asked, “Can a man divorce his wife for any reason?”
4Jesus answered, “Haven’t you read that the Creator made them male and female in the beginning 5and that he said, ‘That’s why a man will leave his father and mother and will remain united with his wife, and the two will be one’? 6So they are no longer two but one. Therefore, don’t let anyone separate what God has joined together.”
7The Pharisees asked him, “Why, then, did Moses order a man to give his wife a written notice to divorce her?”
8Jesus answered them, “Moses allowed you to divorce your wives because you’re heartless. It was never this way in the beginning. 9I can guarantee that whoever divorces his wife for any reason other than her unfaithfulness is committing adultery if he marries another woman.”
It seems to be that when a couple have sex, they form a spiritual bond. This binds the couple together and brings healing in tough times and helps the couple stay together. This is why it’s important to keep sex special and intimate, ideally in a marital relationship. In many cultures, marriage is not a legal construct. People simply live together. This is becoming more common in New Zealand too as we throw off our Christian heritage and embrace our pagan tendencies. The underlying nature doesn’t change due to a piece of paper. The biological and spiritual effects are the same.
Ideally, I would council you to do everything you can to work things out. However, in some cases, this is not possible. This is why God allows for divorce. However, this brings difficulty in bonding in a new relationship unless “death do us part”. Death brings a finality that one cannot return to the old relationship and must move on. That’s not the case with divorce. After grieving the separation, it’s important to work through the situation so that it’s not carried through into the next relationship. It’s useful to receive prayer and counselling for this.
I can speculate that God has allowed this to happen, to help you grow in your faith. This may be a way that God is helping you work through the unidealness of the situation you were in when you came to God. It may be that your relationship is an idol that is coming between you and God. Whatever. It’s important that you go through the process; that you let it hurt and you grieve, in a healthy manner. It’s important that you come to the point of letting go of the relationship and saying to God, “Although it hurts, I’m willing to give up even this, to pursue my relationship with you.” When you come to this point, then God can start the real healing process – whether that is with you together, or if you part ways after coming to peace.
I pray that God would comfort you through this difficult journey and use this time to build intimacy in your relationship with him.
Just know that we’re there for you, whatever you need.